Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
