the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
