im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
