Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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