nut hugger
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
