I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
she told me i tasted like america
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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