My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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