Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize