i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Randomize
