at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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