my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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