Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
