Sry I called you an 8
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
