Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
