I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
