So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
