I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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