I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Are my feet made of real feet?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
