What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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