explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
