So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
