Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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