i think i have two assholes
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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