I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
