I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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