seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i need some magic done to my vagina
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
