If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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