Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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