Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
