Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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