Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
is that a dick in a sweater?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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