I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
