so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
