Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
