apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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