im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
