I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
