I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!