Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
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theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
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Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list