we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
