in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
