Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
