why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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