I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
