So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I want to be your penis for a week.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
