Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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