I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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