Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you made out with another girl for some wings
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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