I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
