don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Vodka?
Forever.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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