Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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