I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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