if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
