but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
