have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize